I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Green mimosas i think yes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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