if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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