I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
