Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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