I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Green mimosas i think yes
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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