I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize