UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
me + whiskey = a bad person
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
