I am spending my child support on dildos
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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