He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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