Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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