She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
