I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My bed smells like the plague
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize