Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
