and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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