I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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