my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
