i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
