I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
