did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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