I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
