I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
