And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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