I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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