ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize