Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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