Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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