dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I have peed in a lot of sinks
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
