Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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