Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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