I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
