i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
