My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You are the jesus of drinking
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
