i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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