Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
