I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
