I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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