maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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