I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
