I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
