I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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