Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
