How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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