Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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