I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
