I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
