Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
