i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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