Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
