I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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