I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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