Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
