Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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