So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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