If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
