hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
