She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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