I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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