they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
