I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize