Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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